


The 'D' in Dysfunctional

by 3_idiots



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Can Kuroko whistle?, F/F, I likes the AoKaga if ya couldn't tell, If not. He can in this AU, If you came to save Kise GRAB AOMINE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, Kuro! Your multi shipper is showing!!, Kuroko is goin' DOOWWWNN with these ships people!, Kuroko... the things that go on in your mind..., M/M, Oblivious, Pls comment if you know the answer, Post-Winter Cup, RIP THEM ALLLL, Someone save Kise, When you come to realize Kuroko's actually fine and just wanted to fuck with everyone, wowwwww
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:03:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10650864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3_idiots/pseuds/3_idiots
Summary: Kuroko got boinked on the head and lost his filter.





	1. The 'D' in Dysfunctional

**Author's Note:**

> This is another short thing that I just happened to write REALLY REALLY FAST!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~idi2

It was all an accident, a _big_ mistake on Kagami’s part, really. 

He didn’t mean too, it’s just that he was _so focused_ on Aomine--ahem, he meant, on getting the ball _away_ from Aomine, that he hadn’t seen his teammate standing in his path. 

Although no one had seen him. Of course.

That was Kuroko’s whole schtick! He was a _shadow._

A shadow that his light would occasionally barrel through like a damn truck it seemed. Kagami couldn't really be blamed in all honesty. Could he? (The answer was still yes, and he felt really bad. (Because ANGEL ALERT))

The next thing Kagami knew, Kuroko was on the ground, the game was frozen--at 24 to 27 in case you wanted to know-- and everyone on the court just looked at eachother for a split second before _leaping into motion!_

Kise was the first one to the light blue haired boy, freaking out because Kuroko looked a little out of it. 

Kagami was freaking out because he’d _just fucking pummeled his best friend._

Aomine was pretty quiet for once, the basketball in his hands slipping to the ground. 

Murasakibara whined. But he’d dropped a chip so did that count? 

Midorima scoffed, commenting on Kagami’s garish behavior.

Akashi simply looked concerned. It was still weird though, Akashi having emotions of the non-homicidal kind. But Kagami was coping. 

Then on the sidelines, Momoi, Tatsuya, Takao and Furi--who was carrying Nigou as if Kagami didn’t need to freak out MORE-- ran from the benches to the court. 

Overall, there was a lot of yelling. 

“Kurokocchi!!!”

“TETSU-KUN!” 

“Oh SHIT I’m so sorry Kuroko!” 

“Kagami, you idiot!” 

“He didn’t mean it Shin-chan!!” 

“I dropped the bag Muro-chin!” Tatsuya did bother answering his fellow Yosen teammate. 

Aomine’s brain finally snapped back into place as he shouted “Bakagami!!” 

And amongst the tumult--a word Kagami was 70% sure mean _‘fucking shit show from hell’_ \-- a voice, familiarly void of emotion, broke out. 

“It’s fine Kagami-kun,” 

Everyone froze, their eyes boring into Kuroko. The boy sat up from where he was laying on the concrete of the outdoor court. He straightened his light blue tee shirt (matchy matchy huh Kuro?) and held a hand to the side of his head for a moment, wincing. 

Kuroko spoke again, with everyone paying close attention. 

“I’m sure you were too busy staring at Aomine-kun,” 

Kagami blinked down at his friend, who didn’t look the least bit concerned. 

Kuroko turned to Kise, who was still kneeling over him.

And he kept talking. 

Unfortunately. 

“There really isn’t any need for you to hover over me like that Kise-kun, even though I secretly think it’s very nice, I can see your eyes very well from this angle.” 

Kise’s eyes widened. “Kuro..ko..cchi?” he mumbled. 

“My head still feels slightly fuzzy Kise-kun,” Kuroko continued, “And I don’t know if it’s from the fall or being so close to you.” 

“Tetsu… you good?” Aomine asked, snatching up the basketball he’d dropped and walked closer. 

“I am alright Aomine-kun,” Kuroko started to stand up, he still wobbled though. “Which is more than I can say for your love life.” 

“EH?!?” 

“T-T-Tetsu-kun??” 

“Kuroko, is you head hurting in any way?” Akashi asked. 

“It _stings_ the slightest bit, but I can keep playing,” Kuroko explained “Unlike Furihata-kun after he faces you, his knees to wobbly because your eyes are too pretty to him.” 

Kagami vaguely registered the chihuahua fainting in his peripherals, luckily he was caught by Himuro. 

“Kuroko, what’s up dude??” Kagami asked. 

“Other than you after a one on one with Aomine-kun? Nothing.” 

“WHAT???” 

“Did Tetsu just make a _dick joke?_ ” 

Aomine and Kagami stared at one another for one, long disbelieving moment. Kagami didn’t understand what was happening and he saw that in those deep, midnight blue eyes, Aomine didn’t either. Those eyes, never ending… cool… entrancing… they made Kagami feel--

“Kagami-kun, Aomine-kun, I understand eye fucking is one of your favorite pastimes, but please, you might end up surpassing Midorima-kun and Takao-kun in that regard, and having two pairs of you would simply be too much.” 

“What are you saying Kuroko? Takao and I have _never--!_ ” 

“Ahhhhh, Kuroko! Toooo right! Shin-chan and I _totally--”_

 _“Shut up Takao!”_

Kagami was having a difficult time keeping up with the situation. Everyone had looks of shock and/or modification plastered across their faces. 

Kise was still kneeling on the ground, and Furi seemed to be coming to again with Himuro’s help. 

“I believe I know what’s happening,” Akashi said, sounding sure of himself and authoritative, drawing everyone’s attention. 

“While falling, Kuroko must have bumped his head, and it might have resulted in him being unable to keep what is in his line of thought at any given moment from being spoken,” Akashi explained. 

Midorima nodded to himself, pretending to understand. Momoi looked like she might have actually followed what was happening. Then everyone else had a face that said _‘I’m dumb as fuck please repeat that?’_

“In short,” Akashi said, “Kuroko got boinked on the head and lost his filter. Now he says whatever pops into his head.” 

“That would be the most plausible answer Akashi-kun,” Kuroko said, “And I believe you should explain to Furihata-kun the reasons you should date in such a direct manner. Maybe read from that list you emailed me a few weeks ago?” 

At that, Akashi’s eyes widened, and Kagami internally _lost it_ because _oh my god_ nothing startled Akashi! The last thing that had made him have that look was when Kagami had dunked a meteor jam over his head. 

“I think you guys should just get back to playing,” Momoi said, looking at Kuroko as if she was studying some alien being. “Maybe it’ll wear off? And if not, just think about basketball so that that’s all you think about!” Momoi smiled cheerily. 

Kuroko nodded and when he spoke, everyone held their breath.

“Yes, that would probably be best Momoi-kun. Though I must say, most everyone here only thinks about basketball, but they still manage to slip in other thoughts here and there. How else do you explain Aomine-kun and Kagami-kun’s tendency to get so close while arguing one strong breeze would have them kissing? Or whenever you’re around Coach Aida, you’re scribbling as many notes on you she likes knitting as opposing members form’s during a game?” 

Momoi was _bright red._ Like Kagami’s _hair_ red. Meanwhile, he and Aomine weren’t catching the fuck on to whatever was going on. 

Kuroko looked over at them, his look took on a fondness to it for a second. 

“I’m sure you two are confused, and that’s alright, things will get cleared up after you finally kiss.” 

“WHAT??” 

“THE FUCK???” 

Kuroko had a smile ghosting over his lips, “Odd, usually, couples begin to finish each other’s sentences _after_ they start dating.” 

“How do we make it stop?” Kagami asked, shooting a pleading look towards Akashi. Thankfully, the other redhead looked to have had composed himself. 

“I am afraid all we can do is wait,”

“Like I do with Kise-kun, he’ll cave and confess eventually though,” 

Kise was _still_ kneeling on the ground, and when everyone looked down at the blonde they watched him fall over flat out on the concrete. 

Man. They’d just gotten Furi back and now Kise was out. Who was next? 

Himuro simply moved from where he’d been seated beside Furihata over to Kise without comment, fanning the blonde with his hand.

“Why don’t we go back to playing?” Kagami offered, still eyeing his friend wearily. 

“Yes,” Kuroko said. “We should play, then all of you can vent out your sexual frustrations through basketball. And because Kise-kun is unable to play, Takao-kun should join.” 

Kuroko paused. For dramatic effect maybe? 

“So _lucky you_ , Midorima-kun,” 

Another moment of silence… before EVERYONE--except Midorima-- BUSTED OUT LAUGHING. Because _fuck_ that was actually funny. 

So they got back to playing. 

And it wasn’t _too weird._

Except for the fact that Kuroko commented on _everything._

➡➡

“You should wipe your glasses Midorima-kun, they steam up every time you look at Takao-kun, thus they’re always steaming.” 

➡➡

“Are you feeling better Furihata-kun? Because you look better, I’m sure Akashi-kun agrees, agrees to the point where he’s only _days away_ from sharing a certain something with you.” 

➡➡

“Himuro-kun, have you commented to Murasakibara-kun about the fact that half the snacking he’s done today is stress eating because he’s worried you and Kagami-kun are secretly dating?” 

A pause. 

“And don’t look so mortified Aomine-kun, you should be noticing the fact that Kagami-kun almost missed a shot because he was busy salivating over your abdomen as you wiped your cheek with your tee shirt.” 

➡➡

“Takao-kun, tell me, what would you do if Cancer’s ever got a dildo for their lucky item of the day?” 

➡➡

“Momoi-kun, is it true that you offered to take Coach Aida bikini shopping last week?” 

➡➡

“Ah, Kise-kun, you’re awake, were you dreaming of me as I do you while unconscious?” 

_Annnnnnnnnnd_ bam. There he went. Model down!

➡➡

It went on and _on_ and finally, a comment to top all others was heard. 

It was just after Aomine had made a pretty sweet dunk. But the damn _idiot_ almost broke the basket in the process! Both Kagami and Momoi started griping at him, and soon after a shouting match began. 

Then something _unbelievable_ happened. 

Kuroko _whistled_. Kagami wasn’t even aware Kuroko _could_ whistle but to make it worse he _wolf whistled_. Now, where the _fuck_ had the little bluenette learned that? 

“Aomine Daiki,” Kuroko said. “You sure put the ‘D’ in dysfunctional. Your loss Kagami-kun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commenting would be the beeeesssssttttt! Tell me if you thought the one-liners were any good? Pls?
> 
> ~idi2


	2. The 'F' in Flirtation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MORE
> 
> ~idi2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You people wanted MORE so HERE

So. Turns out whatever weird fuckery that was doing on with Tetsu _did_ wear off after a few days. Aomine and everyone else got their quiet, sparsely commenting friend back. All was right with the world. 

Except he _really_ meant to throw his empty--except for the ice--soda cup at Kagami’s head because the guy was being all cut--stupid with stuffing his face with burgers and calling Aomine a light weight. 

But Kagami dodged, and the way they were seated in the booth, with Momoi and Kise on one side, Kagami, and Tetsu on the other, with Aomine at a chair on the end. 

It boinked _right_ on to Tetsu’s head. 

Now, a small miracle _did_ happen, even if no one noticed it: for one the caps on those cheapo plastic fast-food place cups stayed on, meaning there wasn’t ice flying _everywhere._

But no one noticed. They were all sitting in shocked silence because _oh my fucking god what if Aomine just broke him again?_

Even Midorima and Takao, seated one table over, froze. 

And _then_ for some _stupid, stupid_ reason, Murasakibara and Himuro walked in. (Aomine wasn't annoyed at them being here simply because of Himuro and those stupid rings and first names and shit. Nope, not at all.) 

But Aomine’s attention was quickly returned to his small, light blue haired friend from middle school. Tetsu had yet to open his mouth. Maybe he went mute this time around--?

“I would prefer you not throw cold drinks at me Aomine-kun,” Tetsu said, placing the still closed cup on the table.

Everyone sighed. Yes. It was safe, they would have to go through another week of--

“Be more productive with your aiming, throw your feeling at Kagami-kun,” Tetsu said. And oh no. Ohhhhhhh noooooooo. 

“Tetsu-kun…” Satsuki tentatively spoke. “Does your head feel fuzzy again?” 

“Yes, a bit,” Tatsu nodded slowly. 

“And uh,” Satsuki glanced around the table wearily. “What are your thoughts on Seirin’s new jersey's?” That was a safe subject, right? Aomine assumed the pinkette was trying to test out their friend’s sanity. 

Tetsu answered instantly. 

Not a good sign. 

“My opinion of the new jerseys doesn’t hold a candle to Aomine-kun’s. It seems they show off Kagami-kun’s arms quite well, and the looser neckline has had Aomine-kun staring throughout entire practice games. Meanwhile, I find them rather comfortable.” 

“Aw fuck not again,” Aomine groaned. 

“ _‘Aw fuck’_ is what I say whenever you and Kagami-kun get within four feet of one another, only I add a _‘just’_ and _‘already’_ in there as well,” Tetsu explained. 

“Kurokocchi--” Kise started to speak but was instantly cut off. 

“Have I told you that you’re gorgeous today Kise-kun? I don’t believe so.” 

Kise turned into the human equivalent of a strawberry.

“Now Momoi-kun,” Tetsu turned to the pink-haired girl. Satsuki instantly stiffened. 

“Might I ask why you’re wearing barrettes today?” Tetsu asked. 

The three other boys at the table leaned in, and lo and behold, keeping those long strings of hair out of Satsuki’s face were a few barrettes. They were practically invisible thought, what with them being almost the same shade of pink as her hair. 

“I-I-I took some advice from Riko-kun and--” 

“I’m happy to know you’re on a first-name basis,” Tetsu had that small, almost invisible smile curve on his lips for a moment. 

“Takao-kun!” Tetsu _shouted_ and Aomine almost didn’t know how to comprehend it because when did Tetsu _shout?_ Other than screaming about an Ignite-Pass-Kai that is. 

Takao snickered at being addressed, he shot a smile at the other table. Meanwhile, Midorima adjusted the pool-cue he had resting against the side of their table. 

“Yeah, Tetsu?” Takao asked, leaning to the side to see around Midorima. 

“Are you and Midorima-kun on an actual date?”

“We are _absolutely--!--mhpfff--_ ” 

With the help of the greenette’s long wingspan, he quickly had his hand over Takao’s mouth. Takao looked to be laughing under the other boy’s hand. 

Tetsu sighed, “Midorima-kun, I assume you’ve heard the saying, _‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’_ branching off that, I would like to say that you shouldn’t slap the mouth that suc--” 

“AAAALLLRIIIGHT Kuroko!” Kagami yelled, quickly grabbing Tetsu’s head and jostling his hair. 

“Are you uncomfortable, Kagami-kun?” Tetsu asked, power-blue eyes blinking up at his best friend. 

“Uh, um, a little?” Kagami answered honestly, shrugging as his hand slipped away from Tetsu and he returned to his food. 

“You should become more used to talking about these things in public, Kagami-kun,” Kagami choked slightly on his burger but was still able to get it down. Aomine took a bite of his own, still shooting glances at Tetsu every now and again. 

Tetsu decided to continue his verbal rampage, saying, 

“If you burrow away all these feelings for too long Kagami-kun, it would be impossible to predict how you would react in a situation that finally rewards you with relief,” 

_This time_ Kagami couldn’t get his burger down and he broke into a fit of muffled coughing. 

“And I wouldn’t want you to hurt Aomine-kun after all,” Tetsu explained. 

Now it was _Aomine’s_ turn to die via the piece of teriyaki that almost got lodged into his windpipe. 

“What the _hell_ , Tetsu??” he wheezed. 

“I only have your safety in mind Aomine-kun, goodness knows it’s going to be difficult enough with Kagami being half American, if not careful you could sustain serious injur--” 

“YOU THINK I’D BE THE ONE TAKING IT??” 

“HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY SIZE?” 

Aomine turned to look at Kagami, and Kagami’s eyes locked with his own. 

A split second later, the things the other had said finally registered. 

“HOW _DO_ YOU KNOW ABOUT HIS SIZE??” 

“YOU THINK REALLY HE’D BOTTOM?” 

Kagami sounded fucking _delighted_ , meanwhile Aomine felt like ripping something in half. And no not Kagami’s shirt. 

(Okay, yes, it might’ve been Kagami’s shirt.)

“NO, I WOULDN’T!” Aomine shouted, leaning closer to Kagami. 

“You _never know,_ ” Kagami was smirking. And he looked _hot. Dammit!_ Aomine snarled, which only made the redhead’s cat-like grin widen. There was a ferociousness to it that had sucked away all of Aomine’s attention towards anything else. And Kagami seemed very focused on his eyes. 

“You two aren’t such big basketball idiots that you couldn’t find the answer to such a question, are you?” Tetsu’s cool voice slid between them. 

Aomine _snapped_ back into his seat, while Kagami threw himself back into the booth. 

“Pfft, we’re not like that Tetsu,” Aomine scratched his cheek, avoiding his gaze from everyone at the table. 

“Yeah, Kuroko! We’re rivals,” Kagami explained. 

“I don’t see what that’s got to do with the fact that you two want to have sex,” 

“TETSU-KUN!” 

“TETSU!!” 

“KUROKO!!”

“KUROKOCCHI!!” 

They all shouted, but it was Kise that Tetsu put all of his focus on. 

“I like hearing you scream Kise-kun,” he said, his cool, ice-blue gaze seeming to pin Kise to the booth he sat in. 

“Kurococchi…!” Kise squeaked. 

Tetsu looked like he was about to say something that would have Kise bleeding through his nose for months to come when a shadow was cast over the window beside their booth. 

Walking down the sidewalk right outside the restaurant were Akashi and Furihata. They were both in casual clothing--even if a cardigan that probably cost more than the down-payment on a new car was Akashi’s definition of _‘casual’_ \-- and smiling at one another as they held hand while walking down the street in the afternoon, post lunch hour sun. 

Sure Akashi’s smile was on the freaky side, but Furi made up for it with his overwhelmingly _not harmful_ presence. 

Tetsu sighed deeply while looking at the pair as they walked past. 

“You see,” Tetsu said, “You four need to learn from those two, there they are, starting a perfectly healthy relationship with one another. They probably just went out for coffee, and when they return to Akashi’s house they can explore Furihata’s secret love of BDSM,” 

Satsuki had made the mistake of sipping her lemonade at that particular moment, and almost _blew it across the room_. Kagami’s eyes looked like they were about to fall the fuck out of his head, while Kise hadn’t seemed to catch on after Tetsu’s last comment. It had probably fried the last few brain cells the blonde had. 

“Doesn’t Furihata-kun simply put the ‘F’ in flirtation? Meanwhile Akashi-kun’s first initial might as well stand for sadist, not that Furi-kun should mind.” Tetsu took one _looonnggg_ sip of his vanilla milkshake, not looking at the for lack of a better term-- _confused as ever lovin’ fuck_ people at his table.

Was Tetsu going to relapse into his alternate innuendo-loving self _every time_ something bumped off his skull?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you had fun! I love comments and they're what got me to write this chapter in the first place sooo.... 
> 
> (Also... anyone wanna read these sooner? And only at the cost of making sure I don't fuck up the "then" & "than" stuff? Beta: zeeidiots@gmail.com) 
> 
> ~idi2


End file.
